Talk:Years of Days: Book One
Notice I know this seems abrupt, but I'm thinking of writing the sequel and then revising this novel accordingly. I might be able to rework the storyline while still keeping my main concept intact... Julia-Xe Dax Finitevus the Echidna (talk) 21:24, January 20, 2018 (UTC) Question So what does everyone think so far? Is it okay? Julia-Xe Dax Finitevus the Echidna (talk) The explanation as to why humans are on the planet is coming up in the next chapter, as it's being rewritten. Also, I was thinking that the ships may have been heavily damaged by attacks, so their sensors would be messed up and not have detected the Covenant base. And since they landed the day before, the Covenant hasn't had a chance to attack yet (as it's a new base, and not everyone who is supposed to be there is there yet). As to communication, I figured that maybe Zen has some kind of translator in his armour (which would eventually be removed after he's learned enough English) since you pointed out that an apprentice wouldn't be able to speak much English, and a child wouldn't understand a word of Sangheli. Also, I'll combine the flash backs like you said, and hopefully it'll make things flow more smoothly. If you have any further suggestions, or perhaps any plot ideas, feel free to let me know. :) Julia-Xe Dax Finitevus the Echidna (talk) Also, slightly off-topic, but I didn't think anyone would start reading so soon. I don't mean it's a bad thing. In fact, I'm pleased someone is reading. I'm just surprised, is all. - Julia-Xe Dax Finitevus the Echidna (talk) Hm, you have a point. Here's a solution that should fix both problems and not go against established canon: Zen could have just recently become an Elite, and understands most English (but still being a bit inexperienced, he wouldn't understand all of it.) What do you think? Would it work, or no? Julia-Xe Dax Finitevus the Echidna (talk) Actually, I don't have a Discord account. I'm still deciding if I want to join or not. I'll see if I can message one on their talk page, if possible. If the admin says the translator idea would go against canon, then I'll go with the "recent Elite" idea. Thanks for helping me out with this, though. Julia-Xe Dax Finitevus the Echidna (talk) Feedback Hi, this is Distant Tide - I'm a Site Patroller on Halo Fanon. Welcome, also thanks to Darth for being so thorough with his feedback. Nice to see you jumping into Halo Fanon. You might want to take a look at the Halo Fanon:Rules and the Halo Fanon:Canon Policy pages. They might give you a little more insight into what Halo Fanon's mission is when we pursue the goal of achieving a high standard for producing content in line with that of the existing Halo canon. That said, you're not the first one to try and write a story about the life experience of a regular human and a Sangheili. It's not an unworkable idea - may be a little unorthodox but it can still be done. I recommend you be careful how you write the story of your human female and your Sangheili heretic. Please step carefully, inter-species relationships - if I am correct in my assumption that this is one of those stories, can very easily be screwed up. A key thing to remember is that Sangheili and Humans are two very different species from two very different biospheres that developed independently of one another. Please try to avoid turning this into a sexual relationship. Halo is not Mass Effect. Other concerns that come up from reading the story that Darth has already addressed but I will add my own comments on. A Sangheili youth would not be able to speak any Human language as he has never had any contact with humans beforehand. They don't teach the language as they see as just another facet of the demon culture. Sure, they might proliferate through contraband on Covenant worlds or space stations where its hard to regulate - like High Charity, however, for a fringe colony for which your Sangheili seems to be from since his family just landed or have begun to colonize the planet they are on. It is extremely rare for the Covenant not to know of a Human presence on a planet when they sit in orbit of the planet and can make out everything from structures with their ship cameras or from the presence of orbital fixtures like satellites. Your character should not be able to understand the child and she should not be able to understand him. No translator, not anything. You should actually take advantage of their language barrier - if Zen has always been curious maybe he might instead try to communicate using gestures or try to understand her language or get her to understand his through a broken approach to teaching. You should seek to take advantage of challenges rather than wave them away because it doesn't help your plot moving forward, on the contrary - the two's curiosity and not being able to understand one another would give you room to explore their interactions - if that is your intention - further through other activities rather than speech and language. I would also mention in future scenarios that you try to understand a little more about how Sangheili culture works. They're honor-based and live by a feudalistic system of laws and traditions, similar to the pre-Meiji Japanese and the Dark Ages European powers. For one, because Sangheili doesn't have lips - they can't make a "puh" or "pup" noise with their mouths relating to the letter P'''. This is present in the Halo novel, '''Glasslands where a xeno-archeologist working for ONI on Sanghelios was being called "Fil-sss" instead of "Phillip" because the Sangheili could not pronounce his name correctly. And I agree with Darth Nicky that having a Sangheili youth so close to the front line is a bit out there. However, I think it is possible. As a Minor, however, I'm not sure if he would be given permission to just go do whatever he wants. Another thing about Sangheili culture is that most Sangheili children not know their fathers. As a matter of breeding processes and communal culture of the Sangheili - everyone is equal from birth in a Keep and are to be measured based on their honor rather than their blood. You'll find this information and much more information here on the Halopedia Sangheili page. There are some issues that I have with him being a heretic and killing a bunch of his fellow warriors, from his social upbringing to the events that pre-dated his betrayal. You have not given us enough information, however, for me to give you a full rundown of what could be the issue in this story - heck, they might not be issues at all. Other things I think you should work on - more description in your setting and what is going on. There are multiple points where you just say that the "Covenant" will come after him. Which part of the Covenant? You say the Covenant was already investigating - who was investigating? Other Sangheili - combat patrols, special operations? What about his active camouflage - not every Sangheili is provided with active camo. It's primarily used by Sangheili Special Forces. Keep that in mind, maybe work to establish your character's background earlier rather than later because you leave too many questions unanswered which means that the setup is, while not bad, shaky and not completely reliable because it leaves me with questions. You don't want to have readers come into your work with questions from the get-go. Like what is that? Why is this that way? Try to reconsider how you're telling your story. I think you've got a good idea going on in your head but I think you need to give it more time to cook and explore the story. More world-building, more planning. This is my two cents but I think you should give your story some more thought. If the only thing you've told us that Zen goes rogue - that doesn't really tell us anything about the story. If you need help with anything, let me or any other active users know - especially Admins, we and they love to help out. You can find us on our Discord as well, like Darth said. Take care and keep up the writing, I think you can do really well with this! Distant Tide (talk) 00:31, January 12, 2018 (UTC) RE:Feedback Thanks for the advice. I'll start working on revising it now. Also, why Zen betrays the Covenant is supposed to be revealed in later flashbacks. Maybe I could hint at what happened, and then reveal the reason later? Or just explain it all in the first chapter? Also, it isn't going to be a romantic relationship, actually. It's more of brother-sister relationship sort of thing, just so you know. As for the Covenant coming after him, I'd say maybe special operations, since they wouldn't have heard from that base for a while and may have suspected some kind of attack occurred. As for the whole father thing, I can just get rid of him entirely, since he wouldn't have too much impact on the storyline anyway. I dunno. I might have to start from square one with this, it's really becoming a mess. Julia-Xe Dax Finitevus the Echidna (talk) RE:RE:Feedback No problem. I'm happy to hlep. Anyway, yeah - it would nice to give the readers something to work with - at least draw them in and give them some of the initial information so they can start building an idea of what is going on. Sorry about making assumptions - I was worried it might turn into a Mass Effect type story. I mean that he should be Special Operations since he's using Active Camo. But yeah, that makes sense. Just make it his superior officer or a father figure. That should be fine. If you need further help, let me know. Distant Tide (talk) 03:45, January 12, 2018 (UTC) Okay thanks. :) I'm going to work on rewriting the first chapter during breakfast (that's the best time for me to write, since my brain is at peak efficiency then). If you have any further suggestions, or perhaps any plot ideas, feel free to let me know. Julia-Xe Dax Finitevus the Echidna (talk) Discord Do I have to download anything to create a Discord account? Because I'm using a mobile device, and I'm a little OCD about how much storage is taken up on it. Julia-Xe Dax Finitevus the Echidna (talk) 20:15, January 13, 2018 (UTC) No. You just need to set up an account with an email and download the Discord app. Nothing more, nothing less. Distant Tide (talk) 20:24, January 13, 2018 (UTC) Oh, okay. Thanks for letting me know. It's not definite that I'll join, but I'm glad that the setup sounds easy, and that it won't take up too much space. I'll consider it. :) Btw, is the story okay so far? Should I explain anything further? Any inconsistencies or any other problems? Julia-Xe Dax Finitevus the Echidna (talk) 20:30, January 13, 2018 (UTC) New Assessments Firstly, when it comes to language - the "P" sound only applies to Human languages - they don't need to be hiding the P-sound in your speech when its just among Sangheili unless they're speaking English all the time. They don't need to cover their P's in Sangheili, is its own language. All you're doing is translating their speech. I recommend reading some Halo novels that include behavior and perspective from the Sangheili - Halo: Envoy, Halo: Shadow of Intent, Halo: Broken Circle. That kind of stuff, it would help a lot in interpreting an alien's speech patterns. It's hard I know, I have my own issues - I failed to capture the way Kig-Yar think and speak when writing my first alien piece. I still haven't gotten around to fixing it - but if you're going to write from the perspective of an Elite - it really is important to get it right. On another note, the General expressing ways to kill Humans - that should be reconsidered. For the Sangheili, Humans are not equal or insurmountable threats. While it would be good to know how an enemy thinks - there hasn't really been any evidence that they have interest in how Humans think or behave in their combat theory - most would just strike and eliminate them. Thel 'Vadum, for this reason, is considered a substantial prodigy for understanding how Humans fight. That's based on Locke's threat assessment of the Arbiter in the Halo 2: Aniversary terminals which you can find on Youtube. I also don't feel comfortable with using amnesia as a plot device - this is more of an opinion than an objective fact. This is more about preference. Amnesia is too much of a convenient plot-hole escape tool to avoid having to explain certain items in a character's story. It's also messy because the brain, at least the human brain, doesn't get hit with amnesia and suddenly they've got a blank slate. The neurological pathways go into haywire and the memory-neuron paths become jumbled. Sometimes it can lead to memories being recovered, sometimes it could cause the brain to hurt when trying to recover neural pathways, it's all very unknown and very hard to pin down accurately. I recommend reading up on brain damage conditions. There is even the possibility that it Sangheili and Humans are different. I don't know. This is more of an opinion than a concern or fact for you to focus on - it's up to you if you want to reconsider how you do things here. As is everything else. Distant Tide (talk) 17:26, January 14, 2018 (UTC) Okay, thanks for the advice. I'll get on it. Julia-Xe Dax Finitevus the Echidna (talk) 17:38, January 14, 2018 (UTC) Anything else I should change? (I'll probably alter their speech patterns so they use less contractions, because it seems like they're using too many.) P. S. I'm going to look for the novels on Amazon tommorow and see if I can order them there. Julia-Xe Dax Finitevus the Echidna (talk) 18:01, January 14, 2018 (UTC)